So hard to do.  I am back in Spain, sitting in the Barcelona airport because I have a layover.  I am at my gate, gate 25 to be exact and find a many rows of seats, all available to sit in.  I choose a bench of seats to sit in, all unoccupied and no sooner do I get comfortable when along comes a Spanish woman with her fucking annoying children and the rest of her damn family and sits right fucking on top of me.  Not literally, but I am looking around the gate at the other 75 available seats and wondering WHAT THE FUCK??? Only in fucking Spain does this happen.  In Germany I had no problem with people respecting me and my space.  If you are walking down a sidewalk and there is no room, it was a mutual effort to respect the other passerby and do the best to move, not fucking body check you like you were in a hockey match.  The Spanish are some hard core individualists and it drives me bananas and needless to say I shot the woman and her crying children a look of death, grabbed my belongings and moved to another unoccupied row of benches where I can sit and bitch, moan, and blog.

Summer session at school begins tomorrow and I am taking two Poly Sci classes.  I am looking forward to it and hoping I enjoy it for it is going to take a chunk out of my savings having to pay for it all.  In addition I received my grades from the end of the quarter and I brought my GPA up to a 3.25.  I of course would have killed for a 4.0, but seeing as how I got off to a rocky start due to a number of facts, most notably an initially very poor living environment, I think I did pretty well in bringing them up from the shit state they were in two or so months ago.

Alright… boarding time is coming soon. I shall post again soon.

Besos por ahora.

Posted: May 18th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: none

Aside from the fact that I think I gained about 5 kilos on my vacation I had an absolutely amazing time in Berlin.  If you are thinking about making a trip to Europe anytime in the near future, this is a city not to be missed.  In fact, Berlin has become one of my favorites to date of the Western European places to visit.  I shall certainly return.

I began this little adventure meeting up with my Friend Kurt in his city of Barcelona, where it was pissing down rain in the most brutal of fashions.  Needless to say, the one day I had hopelessly looked forward to was washed away.  I was only able to see the city by a smoke-filled car.  My friend Kurt is a Master, owns an S&M club, is a Shibari rigger and smokes like a chimney.  He is also older, quite stubborn at times and I personally think slightly hard of hearing.  On the flip side of things, he is a very generous man, who looked out for my better interest the entire time I was accompanied by him and took care of all of my expenses for the entire trip.  I am quite grateful although we share a common interest in the joys of eating and well….. lets just say I am glad to be free of the dining experiences, although they were quite wonderful at the time.  In true OCD eating disorder fashion I am putting myself on a diet as of today and entertaining the idea of a short juice fast in the first two weeks of June… just in time to be in a bikini for summer.

Back to Berlin — 

So I attended an Osada Steve workshop with Kurt, and although he claims that I was a great model to work with, I found myself to be a bitch to work with.  I was having difficulties relaxing due to his extreme sadist tendencies, which is also revealed in his ropes.  Half the time I thought he was looking to cauterize my limbs, although by the end of the week he improved greatly.  The sessions also called for me to play the part of the bunny, which okay, sometimes I can do that if that element of grace, passion, etc. is there, however Kurt is not a passionate character, as I mentioned he is very much the sadist, so it was hard to “get in to the mood” if you will — not to mention the stench of cigarette smoke on the fingers and breath is far from being alluring.  I found myself to be very uncomfortable in these moments and it showed.  I think Osada Steve, although he seemed to take a liking to me, could see straight through me and he knew I was not feeling the experience.  The other models, or bunnies, were there with their partners and it gave their experience an extreme advantage.  In many ways I felt bad because I felt as if I held Kurt back, although he did not seem to think so.  Nonetheless, I do hope he learned a great deal from the week long workshop.

While I was in Berlin, I had a good amount of free time that I took advantage of.  I pounded the pavement pretty extensively, walking about 10-20 kilometers a day.  It made up for all of the delicious food I was shoving in my mouth.  While I was in Berlin I made it a point to visit the Holocaust Memorial, the Jewish Museum, The Berlin Wall, the Schloss Chalottenburg Castle and the German History Museum.  These are the sites I toured and paid to get into, however I went and checked out every other site and then some known to man in that city, ran through the parks and met some really great people.  I cant express how much I enjoyed my time.  it was truly a well needed and deserved holiday. 

Posted: May 18th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: none

I am on my way back to Madrid from Andalucia at the moment on the Sociobus, and want to cry. I have just had the most amazing, well deserved time… I never thought that this excursion could be so rejuvenating and relaxing, but to my delight it was a justifiable psychological release from the perils of my life in Madrid.  

I arrived to Marchena, a small, quaint little barrio 45 minutes outside of Sevilla on Wednesday night, and I am in a state of shock at how quickly time has passed.  I am also surprised at how much I was able to get accomplished, with seeing my friends and traveling between Marchena, Malaga and Sevilla.  

I took this excursion because I have three finals this week, my first being Spanish bright and early tomorrow morning at 9AM.  I figured if I could unwind and give myself a bit of a release, perhaps I could kick ass on my last exams.  I could use the boost and I need some high marks to receive the scholarship I have tentatively been awarded. 

I’m back in Madrid promptly at 3PM to get my butt to my self appointed study group at 4.  I think I am in pretty good shape so far, I have studied quite a bit.  Additionally I am quite relaxed after reconnecting with old friends, and studying a few hours a day in between drinking wine, and taking in the sun both in the country and the beach.  I was able to go to Malaga for the day and absolutely fell in love with the city and the beach, it was also the first time I was able to get to the Mediterranean side of Spain.  I have decided to go back when I have my vacation time in August.  While I was back in Sevilla I stayed with one of my teacher trainers from CLIC.  It was the second time I had more of a personal experience with her aside from the student /teacher relationship from the program, the first being the day before our “Young Learners” graduation.  I am glad she gave me the opportunity to stay with her. She is in the process of writing a book and quite the busy bee, but I had a blast shooting the breeze with her, sipping wine and cooking in the middle of the night with her and her sons.  It what the organized chaos (her words exactly) that I thrive on and that I miss… I am not sure what I am doing in Madrid.  I totally hate it. I hate the city, I hate the people.  

Being back in Andalucia made me realize that I am not cut out for that kind of city.  I need a beach or a country life.  I need the city or something resembling a city (i.e., larger than a small town) nearby, but I fucking hate the city.  You can keep your New York’s, Madrid’s London’s… the people are always down and gloomy, there is too much pollution, and although there is never a shortage of things to do, I am not a club kind-o-gal, the people including me are absolutely miserable and its just a drag, drag, drag.  

My friend from Sevilla has extended the offer that anytime I want to escape, as long as she is around I can come down and stay.  I suspect I will be taking her up on her offer without overstaying my welcome.  For sure I will revisit the area for a length of time in August.  I miss the life I had down in the South and need to reclaim my happiness….

Wish me luck on finals, I think things are gonna be all right…

Besos.

Posted: May 18th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: none

To sum up a very long story… I am currently thirty-five, wanting my eighteen year old body and fighting from what most websites and people say an eating disorder.

I am a compulsive eater, and when left alone in my house, provided I have bought food, I am able to chew my way through most anything. I find however, when I am out and about, with friends or engaged in activities although, I may think about food but I don’t feel compelled to eat. 

Not only do I binge, I can through periods of time when I fast as well, typically a juice fast, as I have never been able to manage a water fast for exceedingly long periods of time. I am also a gym rat and feel guilty if I am not engaged in some sort of physical activity on a daily basis or if I have suffered a recent binge.  Take this morning for example… I am on vacation at the moment in Berlin and was taken to dinner at an Indian Restaurant.  I was able to pretty much order what I wanted.  I ordered Samosas, Naan and an entree.  When the food arrived it was of extraordinary proportions.  I ate the appetizer, salad and a bite or two of the entree itself along with a portion of naan.  I took the rest home.  This morning, compelled out of guilt I took an hour run and did 30 minutes of pilates, only to come home and eat all of the left overs in the fridge.  Now, I am skipping lunch altogether only to allow myself an afternoon snack of an orange and a soy chai tea, i picked up at the health food store.  If I allow myself dinner, it will be a salad.  

Currently I am a strict vegan, so luckily when I binge eat I am stuffing myself full of fruits and veggies although recently I have gotten into a nasty little habit of eating bread and dark chocolate. Otherwise I am pretty militant about keeping my diet to fruits, vegetables and nuts, unless I am on vacation – its difficult to manage with sweet temptation all around you. 

Are you seeing the mental problem yet? I hope so, because I am obsessed with my weight, the little pad of fat around my lower abdomen and when I want to control my eating I simply cant. I tell my self on a regular basis… “today you will stop eating this and that” and perhaps I can do it for one day and then I just turn around and eat and eat and eat and eat…. 

I cant have just a handful of nuts… I have to devour the whole freaking bag! This is the same for any dried fruit or seed as well. I guess it is a good thing I stopped eating cookies and chips.

Any mental advice? I would go and see someone (psychologist) but currently I live in Spain and although I can speak Spanish, it is not to the extent where I can describe all of this to a Spanish speaking doctor.

So I decided to spill my guts here. 

Posted: May 12th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 1

It is now 4:37 and I am still on the bus on my way back to Madrid.  If there is a higher being I am thoroughly convinced that one of two things are happening.  Either I am receiving a sign that indeed Madrid is not the city for me and I should rethink my options or I have really fucking bad karma and someone wants me to fail… I just dont get it.

I am missing my study group but in all fairness I have been studying my ass off the entire weekend as well as the last few hours in this god forsaken junker of a bus.  I am not sure how much better off I would be if I had gone to my group or not.  I have gotten some history time in as well… good for memorization.  So about 2 hours late on the ETA and I still have to catch a train back home. Good grief.

So I decided to post here because I figured I was a potluck of various out of control eating habits and identity crisis issues. 

Posted: May 4th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: none